Thundering Quiet

I drove alone tonight. Under the sky field lit by the full moon and the reflecting clouds. Moonlit fields under a great expanse. The drum of the engine pounds against the air that flows past. Air cool but no where is the brisk of winter near. Smoke ascends from these great plains, a fire burning beneath the surface. The faint light bounces upon these plumes of smoke, a playground of which no man is allowed to join. These spaces are their own, years recede and come forth. The world turns. The moon comes out to play once more. It streaks its own light across the sky, revealing the barren places of this landscape. My eyes adjust to what little light escapes the heavens. A silence that speaks thunder. Few see this world with the view of night. A darkness that hugs every corner just as the morning sun reveals all there is. As the hours pass, light will once again break the evening sky, turning the unknown into the seen. Light brings with it the known; darkness keeps secrets, stories no yet ready to be told. Using the light given to us we must search for that unknown; sit, wait. And maybe as the darkness turns across the sky, we'll see that shining spark of light which was always there, until now an untold mystery, waiting to be revealed.

Maybe They Got It Wrong

You know how when we were younger (and for those who went to youth camps) they used to tell us that the more people we were "with," in whatever definition you want to associate that word with, the more "pieces" of us were left behind? How it was like being a piece of paper glued to another piece of paper and that when dried and torn apart there were pieces from the once adjoined paper still attached to you? As if you left pieces of your self or heart behind and they did as well.

What if you still owned those pieces of yourself? You never left them behind. We always pick up the pieces of situations and people that don't work out. How we eventually use them is what really matters. Our past experiences continually shape us into who we are today. We may have been shattered (possibly multiple times) in the past, but how we pick up those pieces and reattach them to ourselves is what really matters. We can still have a whole heart; something we're willing to give to our future partner one day. It might not be the original, but it's matured and grown from our past. We won't have a swiss cheese of a heart in the end, just a pieces together, tacky glued, multifaceted heart. Something beautiful and hard to understand at times, but that's OK. It's OK to have been hurt, torn or happy. Our past manifests itself in our present. And blossoms into something incredible.

What I'm trying to say is: my heart --our hearts-- are never whole or fresh like they were in the beginning, and that's OK. Why would you want to be someone you were 5 years ago? You would want to grow right? So a whole heart is yes, a rare find nowadays, but the real diamonds in the rough are those who have gone through the "rough" and the crap of life, picked up those shattered pieces and glued them back together again. The past teaches us what to do for the future, and if we listen well, then we could make a better future for ourselves and the ones we love. Take a dented heart and polish it up a bit; let it shine. Love yourself and who you are and were.

After This I Could Be Satisfied With Life

Climb Mt. Everest. That is my ultimate goal for my life at the moment. Anything I do, outdoor wise, seems to focus on this and hopefully accumulate to that perfect moment. I want mountaineering to be a hobby of mine. I don't want to waste my time in cities surrounded by asphalt and metal. I wish to be outside and preferably high up in the sky.

However, I know that I have to prepare for this climactic situation. This summer my goal is to summit as many peaks as possible in order to train myself. 

The highest I have ever been is Mt. Washburn in Yellowstone. 

 Elevation: 10,243 feet

I hope to climb these....

Electric Peak

Elevation: 10,969 feet

Avalanche Peak

Elevation: 10,568 feet

Eagle Peak

Elevation: 11,358 feet

I would love to climb the Grand Teton this summer, but that requires technical training (at least at the top in order to summit), which I do not have yet. Hopefully, in the future I'll acquire that. 

Grand Teton (middle)

And all of this in future preparation for ascending into the clouds for Mt. Everest...

 

Elevation: 29,029 feet

 

But that's for my future and a story worth building up to.

So just a blurb from my mountain high mind, thanks for reading.

Only a Maternal Love Can

After being on the road again for an obnoxious amount of hours today (just about 8 I think), I am of course exhausted and just want to pass out. My eyes are heavy and only want to close. All I can think about are the mountains to the south and that I will be driving to them tomorrow morning. One more day away from being in Yellowstone once more. :) And boy am I excited.

But unfortunately this go around this year has inhibited me from being home for Mother's Day like I was last year. So I will miss Mother's and Father's Day. :( 

For the occasion, I thought I could blog about my mother, in only the most positive way possible. :)

First off, I would never ever ever ever trade her for any other mom in the entire world ever. The amount she has invested in my life is a debt I could never repay, except only in the lives of my children one day. I hold her with high esteem against other moms I know. I'm way beyond lucky to have her. 

She exhibits UNCONDITIONAL for both Sarah and I. Only a handful of people do that for me, and she's by far the best at it. No matter our differences, she still loves--there's no doubt about it. From her I receive my compassion, my strong will, my independence, my love of adventure, my kind heart, the peacekeeper in me. Anything that I have inherited from her is positive.

She may be 5'3" and stolen some inches from me via the hereditary gene, but I would give everything to keep her. She's my momma and there's no "buts" about it. I'd rather not share, but then again there is Sarah, haha. Both of us, mom has loved from the very start and done her VERY best to make sure we have all that we could need and even want. 

Though far apart these last few years, we still get in the time to talk and grow closer together, even if it is in sporadic spurts. Our bond, though strong now, seems to be growing ever tighter. And I enjoy that. I enjoy having a mom stand by my side no matter what. 

I wouldn't trade her for anything, and I could not imagine ever losing her. I hope that she understands how much I love and appreciate her with all of my heart. She's everything the word amazing could stand for. I only hope that you could meet her one day.

To you momma, and all the wonderfully, amazing things you do daily for me, like grabbing me this hotel tonight to rest my weary eyes. :)

I LOVE YOU. :) <3

Afterthoughts on the road

So here's a few things I learned from my exhaustive driving adventure the past few days making it ~1,700 miles from Knoxville, TN to Colorado Springs, CO...

*1. The length of driving Tennessee's I-40 section isn't as bad as it used to be.

*2. Drivers in Arkansas SUCK at driving hardcore.

*3. I'm serious ^^ they really suck and love to cut you off (worse than Tennesseans)

*4. There is a place in Arkansas called "Toad Suck Park." Hilarious.

*5. Oklahoma is not as flat as I remember it to be, with the exception of the far western part.

*6. Driving through Texas is awesome because the speed limit is 75 mph - BOSSTIME.

*7. I have a renewed appreciation for America's heartland. 

*8. Texas is prettier than I remember it to be, even if it is all flat.

*9. There's barely any traffic on I-40 through Texas and New Mexico.

*10. I-40 through Oklahoma and Texas was the old Route 66, so I've driven on Route 66. LEGIT.

*11. New Mexico has a pretty legit "Welcome to Our State Sign."

*12. New Mexico's  bridges over the interstate are super pretty and decorative. 

*13. I was real excited when I could see the Rockies to the north while driving in New Mexico.

*14. I felt completely free driving such an expanse across America's heartland.

*15. Albuquerque is a pretty city and giant mountain beside is awesome looking.

*16. People in Albuquerque suck at driving too, at least during rush hour.

*17. The "Puebloan" style housing in New Mexico is legit, and I want my house to look like that. 

*18. Driving at the end of the day in New Mexico is gorgeous.

*19. Thinking I can drive 5.5 extra hours after an already 10 hour long drive is ridiculous...

*20. But I did it.

*21. I'd like to visit Sante Fe, NM one day when I'm not speed driving to get somewhere.

*22. I wish I could move from town to town about every 5 years to experience something new.

*23. I'd consider living in New Mexico.

*24. The last stretch of highway in northern New Mexico before Colorado is gorgeous even if it is near flat. 

*25. Getting gas in Trinidad, CO shocked me into how cold the weather still is up here 'round this time of year.

*26. Driving the hills and curves on southern I-25 is awesome even in a Jeep.

*27. Joe Purdy and Old Crow Medicine Show are awesome to listen to on the western roads.

*28. The sky is painted every night over the Rockies. Beautiful. 

*29. When you think you can't make it the last few hours of a road trip, blare hardcore/metal music and drive at 80 mph. You'll make it. And you'll enjoy it.

*30. I got to drive 80 mph at night which is legit.

*31. I don't usually speed.

*32. I'm sure Pueblo, CO is a pretty town, but all I could see of it was lights and darkness.

*33. One day I'll go there again and enjoy it.

*34. Colorado College is pretty cute; I'd like to go here.

*35. I was on the road driving for a total of 17 hours yesterday, and I still have no idea how I did it.

*36. Colorado Springs is on my list of western towns to settle in. 

*37. I want to travel the world, but I'll have to start state side first.

*38. I just want to be free.

*39. Being out West makes me feel that way.

*40. I LOVE having a Jeep.

In the form of words, My Dedication

"The city keeps on going. We just keep on rolling..."

Another year of college has come to a close for me. 3 years now. 2 more to go. As much as this past year has been stressful, painful, hard, or fast-paced, I'm sad to see what was good about it go. Probably the busiest year of college as of yet, I couldn't wait for it to be over with. And now watching it in my rear view mirror fade faster as everyone leaves, I don't want to see its end. These chapters of my book just flip one to the next with no regard for my hands holding onto the pages, a grasp that slips with each day. I want to rip them out, place them in this enshrined scrapbook that would be placed under lock and key; tackle the writer, which ironically would be me, pause their life and just hold onto what was. Don't get me wrong, I look forward to what the future has in store, but just like any normal read, my mood transitions to melancholy as I near each chapter. Cus once it's read, it's read. You turn the page and you read a new line. Start a new job. Meet new people. See new things. Learn new ideas. The old reverberates within the closed space of your mind, fighting for the area that will soon be occupied by that which is new. And I don't want to let go. I want to hoard. I just want the old life, and I selfishly desire the new. I'm helpless though, when it comes to the matter of time. 

That which is God's I can't hope to attain. I give it to Him though; I want Him to watch over my time. He knows the amazing that is my future. I just wish to know it too. To know that past is coming with me and that it will tie into a beautiful bow with the new. Problem is, I don't, and I have to be ok with that. I trust Him. My time is His. And hear I am giving it to Him.

People are leaving. Some I won't see again. Others, come August, I'll see their wonderful faces once more. It's no matter though, for the parting now is hard to bear. Some are leaving the country, others to another state. Some are about to graduate, and still others will be back for another go around. Regardless of where they are going, I'm going to miss them for the time, no matter how small or big, that I shared with them. I strongly believe that our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch, and here that statement comes into play. I hope my influence has been positive in the lives of others, and I cherish the imprint that has been left on me by them. Just one more thing I don't wish to let go. Tack the pretty pictures on the wall to stare at once more and drown myself in the memories that threaten to consume me. Parting makes me sad. Nostalgic. Regretful. Hopeful. Loving. 

Thinking on how people have affected me and what I have gone through this year just makes me look at this grand expanse that is my future life. All the point A's and B's I've experienced these past few years at college won't stop coming. I'm gonna graduate, and they'll keep happening. Happening till I die. And it causes this massive, chaotic feeling of excitement and fear inside me. A whirlwind of great proportions that expands the length of my life. Here I am looking at it from behind the dash, hands on the wheel, accelerating toward the unknown. And I want it. But I want the past too...

Binary oppositions present constant struggles, and life goes round and round. 

Another day ends with the sun setting into the future, and we just keep on rolling...

Transience

Since leaving Yellowstone, a part of me has felt void. As if I left something behind 7,000 feet up. There's not a day that slides by that I don't think of those forests and rivers. Soon enough I shall return to those mountains for another summer of passing experience. Perhaps that's why I hold onto it so dearly, because I know it slips away easily; time passes and then it's gone once more. Realizing what I had from last summer, I feel as though this experience will take on new meaning. I've had time to contemplate my first time there, I know what I want to do this time around. I want to see the connection between nature and God even more than before, I want to feel his presence all around me like never before. As a human, a woman, a Christian and an artist I want to see life with new eyes. New sights, smells and feelings. I want to replace what was left behind a year ago..I want my missing piece back. And I want to grip it stronger than ever before. I'm making my own tracks through God's guidance. No one is telling me my path, I'm capable of my own decisions that define me. Because that is what self is: an accumulation of definitions that we choose to implement in order to create who we are. My path is to continually search for those words and experiences that define my existence. To play and arrange them as I see fit for each season of my life. My path to walk is my own, but also one beside a Father who loves me and wishes me a perfect well being. So upon my return to the West this summer I'll continue my journey of self, in order to piece together the attributes that are distinctly Laura.