Only a Maternal Love Can

After being on the road again for an obnoxious amount of hours today (just about 8 I think), I am of course exhausted and just want to pass out. My eyes are heavy and only want to close. All I can think about are the mountains to the south and that I will be driving to them tomorrow morning. One more day away from being in Yellowstone once more. :) And boy am I excited.

But unfortunately this go around this year has inhibited me from being home for Mother's Day like I was last year. So I will miss Mother's and Father's Day. :( 

For the occasion, I thought I could blog about my mother, in only the most positive way possible. :)

First off, I would never ever ever ever trade her for any other mom in the entire world ever. The amount she has invested in my life is a debt I could never repay, except only in the lives of my children one day. I hold her with high esteem against other moms I know. I'm way beyond lucky to have her. 

She exhibits UNCONDITIONAL for both Sarah and I. Only a handful of people do that for me, and she's by far the best at it. No matter our differences, she still loves--there's no doubt about it. From her I receive my compassion, my strong will, my independence, my love of adventure, my kind heart, the peacekeeper in me. Anything that I have inherited from her is positive.

She may be 5'3" and stolen some inches from me via the hereditary gene, but I would give everything to keep her. She's my momma and there's no "buts" about it. I'd rather not share, but then again there is Sarah, haha. Both of us, mom has loved from the very start and done her VERY best to make sure we have all that we could need and even want. 

Though far apart these last few years, we still get in the time to talk and grow closer together, even if it is in sporadic spurts. Our bond, though strong now, seems to be growing ever tighter. And I enjoy that. I enjoy having a mom stand by my side no matter what. 

I wouldn't trade her for anything, and I could not imagine ever losing her. I hope that she understands how much I love and appreciate her with all of my heart. She's everything the word amazing could stand for. I only hope that you could meet her one day.

To you momma, and all the wonderfully, amazing things you do daily for me, like grabbing me this hotel tonight to rest my weary eyes. :)

I LOVE YOU. :) <3

Afterthoughts on the road

So here's a few things I learned from my exhaustive driving adventure the past few days making it ~1,700 miles from Knoxville, TN to Colorado Springs, CO...

*1. The length of driving Tennessee's I-40 section isn't as bad as it used to be.

*2. Drivers in Arkansas SUCK at driving hardcore.

*3. I'm serious ^^ they really suck and love to cut you off (worse than Tennesseans)

*4. There is a place in Arkansas called "Toad Suck Park." Hilarious.

*5. Oklahoma is not as flat as I remember it to be, with the exception of the far western part.

*6. Driving through Texas is awesome because the speed limit is 75 mph - BOSSTIME.

*7. I have a renewed appreciation for America's heartland. 

*8. Texas is prettier than I remember it to be, even if it is all flat.

*9. There's barely any traffic on I-40 through Texas and New Mexico.

*10. I-40 through Oklahoma and Texas was the old Route 66, so I've driven on Route 66. LEGIT.

*11. New Mexico has a pretty legit "Welcome to Our State Sign."

*12. New Mexico's  bridges over the interstate are super pretty and decorative. 

*13. I was real excited when I could see the Rockies to the north while driving in New Mexico.

*14. I felt completely free driving such an expanse across America's heartland.

*15. Albuquerque is a pretty city and giant mountain beside is awesome looking.

*16. People in Albuquerque suck at driving too, at least during rush hour.

*17. The "Puebloan" style housing in New Mexico is legit, and I want my house to look like that. 

*18. Driving at the end of the day in New Mexico is gorgeous.

*19. Thinking I can drive 5.5 extra hours after an already 10 hour long drive is ridiculous...

*20. But I did it.

*21. I'd like to visit Sante Fe, NM one day when I'm not speed driving to get somewhere.

*22. I wish I could move from town to town about every 5 years to experience something new.

*23. I'd consider living in New Mexico.

*24. The last stretch of highway in northern New Mexico before Colorado is gorgeous even if it is near flat. 

*25. Getting gas in Trinidad, CO shocked me into how cold the weather still is up here 'round this time of year.

*26. Driving the hills and curves on southern I-25 is awesome even in a Jeep.

*27. Joe Purdy and Old Crow Medicine Show are awesome to listen to on the western roads.

*28. The sky is painted every night over the Rockies. Beautiful. 

*29. When you think you can't make it the last few hours of a road trip, blare hardcore/metal music and drive at 80 mph. You'll make it. And you'll enjoy it.

*30. I got to drive 80 mph at night which is legit.

*31. I don't usually speed.

*32. I'm sure Pueblo, CO is a pretty town, but all I could see of it was lights and darkness.

*33. One day I'll go there again and enjoy it.

*34. Colorado College is pretty cute; I'd like to go here.

*35. I was on the road driving for a total of 17 hours yesterday, and I still have no idea how I did it.

*36. Colorado Springs is on my list of western towns to settle in. 

*37. I want to travel the world, but I'll have to start state side first.

*38. I just want to be free.

*39. Being out West makes me feel that way.

*40. I LOVE having a Jeep.

In the form of words, My Dedication

"The city keeps on going. We just keep on rolling..."

Another year of college has come to a close for me. 3 years now. 2 more to go. As much as this past year has been stressful, painful, hard, or fast-paced, I'm sad to see what was good about it go. Probably the busiest year of college as of yet, I couldn't wait for it to be over with. And now watching it in my rear view mirror fade faster as everyone leaves, I don't want to see its end. These chapters of my book just flip one to the next with no regard for my hands holding onto the pages, a grasp that slips with each day. I want to rip them out, place them in this enshrined scrapbook that would be placed under lock and key; tackle the writer, which ironically would be me, pause their life and just hold onto what was. Don't get me wrong, I look forward to what the future has in store, but just like any normal read, my mood transitions to melancholy as I near each chapter. Cus once it's read, it's read. You turn the page and you read a new line. Start a new job. Meet new people. See new things. Learn new ideas. The old reverberates within the closed space of your mind, fighting for the area that will soon be occupied by that which is new. And I don't want to let go. I want to hoard. I just want the old life, and I selfishly desire the new. I'm helpless though, when it comes to the matter of time. 

That which is God's I can't hope to attain. I give it to Him though; I want Him to watch over my time. He knows the amazing that is my future. I just wish to know it too. To know that past is coming with me and that it will tie into a beautiful bow with the new. Problem is, I don't, and I have to be ok with that. I trust Him. My time is His. And hear I am giving it to Him.

People are leaving. Some I won't see again. Others, come August, I'll see their wonderful faces once more. It's no matter though, for the parting now is hard to bear. Some are leaving the country, others to another state. Some are about to graduate, and still others will be back for another go around. Regardless of where they are going, I'm going to miss them for the time, no matter how small or big, that I shared with them. I strongly believe that our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch, and here that statement comes into play. I hope my influence has been positive in the lives of others, and I cherish the imprint that has been left on me by them. Just one more thing I don't wish to let go. Tack the pretty pictures on the wall to stare at once more and drown myself in the memories that threaten to consume me. Parting makes me sad. Nostalgic. Regretful. Hopeful. Loving. 

Thinking on how people have affected me and what I have gone through this year just makes me look at this grand expanse that is my future life. All the point A's and B's I've experienced these past few years at college won't stop coming. I'm gonna graduate, and they'll keep happening. Happening till I die. And it causes this massive, chaotic feeling of excitement and fear inside me. A whirlwind of great proportions that expands the length of my life. Here I am looking at it from behind the dash, hands on the wheel, accelerating toward the unknown. And I want it. But I want the past too...

Binary oppositions present constant struggles, and life goes round and round. 

Another day ends with the sun setting into the future, and we just keep on rolling...

Transience

Since leaving Yellowstone, a part of me has felt void. As if I left something behind 7,000 feet up. There's not a day that slides by that I don't think of those forests and rivers. Soon enough I shall return to those mountains for another summer of passing experience. Perhaps that's why I hold onto it so dearly, because I know it slips away easily; time passes and then it's gone once more. Realizing what I had from last summer, I feel as though this experience will take on new meaning. I've had time to contemplate my first time there, I know what I want to do this time around. I want to see the connection between nature and God even more than before, I want to feel his presence all around me like never before. As a human, a woman, a Christian and an artist I want to see life with new eyes. New sights, smells and feelings. I want to replace what was left behind a year ago..I want my missing piece back. And I want to grip it stronger than ever before. I'm making my own tracks through God's guidance. No one is telling me my path, I'm capable of my own decisions that define me. Because that is what self is: an accumulation of definitions that we choose to implement in order to create who we are. My path is to continually search for those words and experiences that define my existence. To play and arrange them as I see fit for each season of my life. My path to walk is my own, but also one beside a Father who loves me and wishes me a perfect well being. So upon my return to the West this summer I'll continue my journey of self, in order to piece together the attributes that are distinctly Laura.

Out on my own [completely]

So I began my summer journey in a car ride to the BNA in Nashville. So said the weather man that week, that there would be a record breaking high of 97 degrees in Tennessee on May 31st. And so it was (suuuppper hot). After checking in my luggage, saying good bye to my dad, waiting in line for security and finally getting on the plane itself, the plane's power goes out...twice. haha What a great omen for the trip. (spoiler alert)::the trip ended up going by fine once we were in the air lol. So as compliments of Frontier airline, everyone on the plane got to watch the direct tv channels for free for the whole ride, boo-ya. This plane took me to Denver, CO where I had to run from concourse A to concourse B in order to make my next flight (since we had been delayed from the last one). Within 20 minutes it seemed, we were loading the plane and preparing for take off. This flight was of course shorter since I wan't trying to span the whole length of the U.S. My plane arrived in Bozeman around 8:15 and I came to find out that my suitcase had been left in Denver! :/ So with nothing I could do, I called a taxi and rode on in to Bozeman to check into the Western Heritage Inn. (Thankfully my luggage was delivered the next day). Exhausted from my trip, I settled into my bed and fell asleep (after skyping my parents of course).

The next morning I got up early in order to catch Bozeman's free public transport system (the streamline buses) and to ride it to Montana State University, where I would be taking a campus tour. My tour guide just so happened to be an art student too, so we got along well. After my tour, I rode the bus to the Museum of the Rockies and looked at the cool exhibits they had (like the dinosaur one curated by Jack Horner, the paleontologist for Jurassic Park).

After the museum, I skipped over to Sola Cafe and had a delicious lunch. :) From there I walked back to my hotel via a trail. Bozeman is nifty for having parks and trails scattered throughout the city limits, which is called from "Main Street to the Mountains."

I walked into town and grabbed a few necessities and then trekked back to my hotel and chilled in my room for the remainder of the night. The next morning I got up at 5:30 in order to get ready, pack up, check out and walk across the street to the greyhound bus-stop where the Yellowstone bus would pick me up and take me to check in.
While waiting there, I met a very nice girl from Wisconsin, Jessica, and it just so happened we were to work in the same place!! What a coincidence lol. We hopped on the bus, where we were taken to Gardiner to check in, find our place of work (which had been changed), grab out uniforms then jump back on the bus to head to Mammoth Springs for lunch and orientation. Being cafeteria food, lunch was decent lol and the orientation only lasted a little while. Afterward we jumped back on the bus to be taken to our locations.

Jessica and I would be rooming together at Laurel Inn and would work in the Old Faithful Inn rather than the snow lodge. The dorm we are staying in is a 2 story co-ed dorm (literally co-ed where our neighbors are guys and girls lol..). The people here are pretty cool but definitely partiers lol It feels just like a college dorm so hopefully the transition will go well. Tomorrow we start training for our jobs so hopefully that will go well too!

Beauty in the Night Sky

The night air on February 24th was wonderful as I walked back from my painting class in Todd. The temperature was perfect outside, not chilly, not humid, but a balmy blanket of comfort. Coupled with the wind that was blowing in from the West, the air itself was in perfection. It was like the few minutes before a Florida thunderstorm where the air is preparing for the impact of a storm. Even the smell in the air reminded me of the summers I’ve been in Florida where the thunderstorms down there are a sight to see and experience. Although most of the day had been spent with an overcast sky looming overhead, all of the clouds had been cleared from the night sky by the wind. The few clouds that slipped through the night air were a perfect shade of greys, purples and deep blues set against a beautiful black sky that was dotted with an innumerable amount of stars. Looking at this sky through the barren trees of Peck Forest gave my walk back to the dorm a sense of being in an enchanted forest making my way back home. Seeing the stars through the clouds made me yearn to travel into space. I’ve always wanted to be an astronaut; even now, it would be amazing if I had the chance to fly into the black expanse that surrounds this world. Traveling into the unknown like that would be an out of body experience that nothing would ever compare to in my life. The freedom to move, unrestrained by any worldly boundaries, fuels my desire to place myself among the stars. “To travel to the furthest reaches of the galaxy” is something I would love to accomplish. The whole essence of the night of February 24th made me feel absolutely alive and awake to the world around me and how beautiful it truly is. Nature is one of the most wonderful things that God ever gave us, and I love experiencing little moments like this, as I stand right in the center of it. In His presence, seeing His beauty all around me.

Psalm 11:3

"When the foundations are being destroyed, what can the righteous do?"

My laziness in getting up this morning to attend a church here in Murfreesboro allowed me to stay in my room and watch a podcast of a sermon from Faith Promise church back in Knoxville. Granted, I was not able to enjoy singing praises of worship to my Father before listening to a sermon, but while writing this, I am listening to some wonderful music that sings His praises. The sermon's title was "The View: The Failing Family," and over the next few weeks, the theme will be God's view on what is happening with the world right now. I love how God ties instances in our lives together and weaves my days together. Watching "The Failing Family" sermon came after a group discussion of problems that we face today that I attended last night in my dorm. Now, to clarify: this meeting was not an AA meeting in any sense, but the event was called "V-day" (and not relating to Valentines day, but the V stood for vagina). As rash as it might seem to use this word to name an event or even to talk about casually, the ideas and opinions discussed last night among friends and strangers helped each and every one of us who attended. V-day is meant to raise awareness about abuse and mistreatment of women not just in our society but those all around the world. However, this discussion also allows for men to get involved and talk about their opinions too (this is not a femi-nazi extremist group session by all means haha).

Now to explain why this morning's sermon and my group discussion last night tied together. Last night we did an activity where our host of the event had us stand on one side of a line, and when she asked a question, we were to step across the line if the answer to that question was a yes for us. However, if we felt uncomfortable in answering, we did not have to make a move. This activity allowed us to be open with no need for an explanation. And we saw how many people actually have gone through the same life events as us even though we thought we were always alone. At the beginning, the questions were easy. As the activity continued, the issues became more personal, brought up more memories, hurts were seen, and vulnerability was at its peak. Whether or not we were friends with people at the beginning of the night; by the end, we were all close in some way because we had been revealed, seen with no hate or judgment.

Late in the activity, the questions greatly focused on family and how we had been hurt by them or had been affected in a positive manner by them. The greater number of those in attendance had family problems, of which I will not disclose but know that they are problems that are so prominent in our society that everyone knows they are happening. Then why does no one do anything about them? Why do they keep happening? Why aren't there a majority of wonderful, close families out there? Yes, nothing is going to be always perfect, but why can't things be good most of the time?

Seeing those hurt by the ones that should be the closest to them hurt my heart. I take great pride in my family, and I have strong family values. These are the people that should build you up when everyone else is tearing you down. Where unconditional love is learned, felt, and acted out every day. When I see that people never experienced what I have, I hurt for them. They deserved it but never received it. I wish that everyone, strangers or friends, could know the unconditional family love that I have felt all of my life. The family is a unit that should never be torn to pieces, yet that has what has happened today.

"The Failing Family" talked about the family unit, what it should be like but how it actually is. The family is a foundation (Psalm 11:3), but when it is destroyed, who can rebuild it? (Only God.) The definition of family has become skewed and changed over time. The intended version: created by the God who created the whole concept comes from Genesis, the very first book of the Bible and where the creation of the world is seen. Genesis 2:24, a man is to leave his father and mother and become united with a woman to create a family. Adam and Eve were told to populate the earth. Husbands and wives were meant to have children, to create families of their own. And yet, families everywhere are broken, incomplete, not what was intended. Earth is Eden un-intended. Everything was meant to be perfect, beautiful, without the tiniest flaw. It was ruined, destroyed, and murdered. All by the one who hates us, who hates God, who hates anything beautiful. To be God was Satan's desire, and when denied that "privilege," he threw a child temper-tantrum. He vowed to hate what God loved, destroy what God created, twist what God said was right. He destroyed the family unit from the very beginning. That foundation meant to bring life was torn just was it was beginning to bloom. And now years and years later that hatred for us has only continued; Satan never finished. He works daily to counteract the wonders of God. If he can destroy the foundation, the house built on that foundation will crumble in time.

And yes, I know that this world, us, and our hearts can not be fully fixed or healed until God returns for us. It is a disparity we have to live with...unfortunately. However, the silver lining can always be found, no matter how dark a cloud may be or how deep that sliver of light is hiding. We can work through the trials in our lives; we have the ability to help others who have faced the same things we have. We must care, because most of the world doesn't. For the time being, we can make things better. Our works might be destroyed again, but that is why we were not made to be alone. Many is better than one. We were made for each other. Eve was made for Adam. They were to help each other, build the other up, give life to the other. God breathed life itself into Adam; what people don't realize today is that God still has breath left to give. If we feel alone, defeated, or lost, God is waiting to breathe life into our bodies once more. He wants to see us flourish, to accomplish amazing feats in our lives.

But it is our choice. We have to ask. He will not force anything on us. If we want life; we have to ask. Simple enough, yet that request is so difficult to leave our lips. We have to clear that hurtle. Keep running until we reach the finish (no matter how far that might be). Hope is living in the world; people just have to grasp it. Believe that there is something better out there. Believe that with your whole being, and guess what? You will find it.

So don't give up...please don't.